Give Yourself Permission to Be Human
Life is hard, and being human means having limitations. Mistakes are inevitable. Yet, when we stumble, our default response is often harsh self-criticism—punishing ourselves as if self-condemnation could undo the past. But the truth is, we never make mistakes on purpose.
Every decision we make, in the moment, seems like the best option available to us at the time. Even when we recognize short-term thinking, there's often a reason we choose what we do. In that moment, we are responding to a need—whether it's emotional regulation, stress relief, or simply conserving energy.
Take a simple example: You decide to have that extra cookie or skip the gym. You may tell yourself it’s a lapse in discipline, but at that moment, you’re responding to something real. Maybe you're seeking comfort after a stressful day. Maybe your body is asking for rest. Whatever the case, your choice is not a moral failure—it’s a reflection of your current state and capacity.
Now, you might argue that skipping the gym isn’t a good choice in the long run. And from a certain perspective, that’s true. But self-discipline isn't just about forcing yourself through resistance; it’s also about understanding yourself. If you could have convinced yourself to go, you would have. But sometimes, despite our best intentions, we don’t.
The Self-Critical Spiral
And that’s when the mental beating begins:
"You’re so lazy."
"You have no discipline."
"You’ll never change."
"Might as well give up altogether."
One self-flagellating thought after another, as if shaming yourself into action. The underlying belief? That this harshness will somehow motivate you to do better next time.
But in reality, it does the opposite.
Self-judgment drains your energy, making you feel discouraged and defeated. It creates an emotional burden so heavy that the next time you try to make a positive choice, you carry not just the challenge of the moment but also the weight of accumulated self-doubt.
The Alternative: Self-Compassion
So, what would it look like to approach yourself with kindness instead?
Self-compassion means recognizing that mistakes and setbacks are part of being human. It’s about acknowledging, without shame, that you made a choice based on what you needed in that moment—and then gently encouraging yourself forward.
Instead of berating yourself, imagine speaking to yourself as you would to a close friend:
"I see that you skipped the gym today. I get it—you were exhausted. Maybe tomorrow will feel easier. And even if it doesn’t, that’s okay too. One day doesn’t define you."
This shift in perspective doesn’t mean giving up on growth or accountability. On the contrary, it creates the internal safety needed to make sustainable changes. When we treat ourselves with kindness, we build trust with ourselves. We create space to reflect on our choices without fear or judgment. And from that space, real change becomes possible.
Learning to Be on Your Own Side
If you want to break free from self-criticism, start by asking yourself:
What was I really needing in that moment?
(Was it comfort, rest, stress relief, connection?)How can I meet that need in a more supportive way next time?
(Is there a way to care for myself without self-sabotage?)How would I speak to a friend in this situation?
(Can I offer myself the same understanding?)
Perfection was never the goal. Growth is. And growth flourishes in an environment of self-compassion, not self-punishment.
So, give yourself permission to be human. Mistakes don’t define you—your willingness to keep going does.